Shit Floats

"Hey Luv, have I ever told you about my Shit Floats theory?"

A colleague of mine, for whom I have the utmost respect, asked me this question some time ago.

"Uhhh no J, you've never told me about it."

"Well, let me explain."

He proceeded to pull out a pad of paper and began to draw. He drew a container filled with an unknown liquid (I never asked what the liquid was), and then he drew a blob floating on top of that liquid. Aaah, this must be the floating shit. It was like he was trying to pull a sales pitch on me...with shit.

"When I was about your age and I was working at XYZ Company, my boss was the manager of the whole floor that I was working on. I was his assistant in a way. Anyway, this man was the biggest idiot I had ever met in my entire life. He did absolutely nothing at work. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure he didn't know how to do anything. Whenever something came down the line, it was always "delegated" to me. I put together the reports and presentations that he was supposed to do. Anytime there was a decision to be made, he would always say 'J, what do you think?'. I'd tell him my opinion, and he'd do exactly that. There was not one decision he made on his own. The guy was a total dumbass."

"O...k...a...y..."

"Anyway, the powers-that-be realized that he was a dumbass and decided to do something about it. Now, you would think that he'd be let go at this point, wouldn't you?"

J is pointing at me, I look down at his finger and realize he wants an answer from me. I still have no idea where this is going.

"Y...e...a...h..."

"He wasn't. The fucking bastard was promoted. He was now the manager of the entire building, not just one damn floor. He was promoted so that he would have more responsibility that he couldn't do, and then eventually the powers-that-be would let him go. It's the: he's not doing his job right, so let's promote him so we can fire him! Meanwhile, the man gets promoted and gets this great work experience that he can use to dupe another future employer into hiring him."

"So...was he eventually let go?"

"Damned if I know. I was there for a year longer, and he was still in charge of the building."

"Oh."

"And this is how I came up with my Shit Floats theory. To this day, this theory has never failed me. Shit definitely floats; the bastards all get promoted."

"Thanks J, I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that."

- - -

Several years later, which was about two months ago, I came across this job posting. It was for a district level leadership position where you wouldn't exactly have any direct reports (ie. no people reporting to you), but you'd be responsible for helping drive key numbers within the district. I would love to have this type of a job. I have the time and energy to travel within the district right now, and I'm young enough where I can put in 12-14 hour days and be ok with it. Although I have about 15 direct reports right now, this job is a higher level than my current job. Anyway, I expressed my interest in this position and was shot down...nicely, of course. In a nutshell, I was told that I was needed in my current position and that they wanted someone with a longer tenure than me. In other words, I was too useful to them in my current job for them to even dream about moving me.

When the announcement was made of the successful candidate, I was a bit surprised. Although I had never directly worked with this person before, she was the last person I would've thought of that would get this position.

A couple of months after the announcement was made, she was scheduled for a visit to my office. Here, she was going to sit down with me for a meeting and talk about the things I do and how she feels I can improve on these things. Fine by me, I am always on the lookout for pointers.

It was an interesting visit to say the least. First of all, she has the maturity level of a 15 year old, second of all, she doesn't know a damn thing, and third (the most annoying thing) she can't spell to save her soul.

She asked me about the last visit by the previous person in her position (who I loved working with, and miss him dearly - he made a lateral move to another position), and asked me what I've done since. Each time these leaders come in for a visit, they send us a report a few days later of what we reviewed, what is done well, and what they feel needs to be improved upon. She had a copy of the report. To her complete surprise, I pulled out my copy of the report on which I had written in my own comments with the dates and actions completed.

As I went over the report, I talked about the things I do with my direct reports, my coaching ideas, my tools, etc. She kept saying "Wow"...it seemed to be the only word in her vocabulary.

Every time I'd say something, she'd want to write it down in her book. She told me that she likes to share best practices so that our entire district is running full steam. As she was writing in her book, I cannot tell you the number of times she stopped writing because she couldn't spell the word.

"Ahahahaa! I don't have my spell check in this book! Ahahaaa!"

I started to deliberately use 'big' words just to stump her. It was actually quite amusing to watch this woman try to think. Eventually, she would just ignore the big words I used and write down what she could spell - which meant that her notes probably made little sense when she read them the next day. (Actually, you should see the horrendous spelling and grammar she uses in the e-mails she sends sound...they make me cringe).

Throughout the meeting, I had done all the talking and she had done all the note taking. I left my true best practices out of the conversation, but she still thought she got gold out of me.

"Wow, Loveleen, I could just sit here and listen to you all day."

Uhhh, isn't that exactly what she did?

After she left, I started to do some real work. As I'm plugging along, I'm thinking about what a useless meeting this was, and how disappointed I am with this new candidate, and how stupid she is...and then it hit me. J was right! His theory actually does work! I send him an e-mail:

Subject: You're right...

...shit does float.